Broken Pieces Can Turn Into The Best Masterpiece
For a long time, I’ve gone back and forth with the idea of writing this post. Out of fear, I kept a lot of things to myself. I was afraid that if I opened up and revealed my truth… I may not be received well. How would anyone trust me to be strong for them, which is always expected, if I couldn’t do it for myself first?
this is the honest, unfiltered truth. I am no longer in this mental, emotional or physical hell… But it’s about time I talk about it. Even though it may seem as though there is no way out, there is. You will find your way…
If you need to talk.. feel free to contact me! I’m always a few clicks away.
I’ve fought with myself..
so long and so hard over the things I felt that I did not deserve. I felt so bad about myself as a whole. As a being. And just felt that I was worthless. I wasn’t at peace. I cried everyday. I was just in this dark hole that I couldn’t get myself out of. Everyday, that hole became deeper and darker. I couldn’t even see the opening anymore.
It’s tough when you feel that you’re the only person that’s undeserving of any love and/or happiness., when you just don’t feel good enough to be with other people.. I didn’t even feel good enough to be around other people. I stayed at home, kept to myself and eventually… I just stopped talking and interacting.
I didn’t even feel that I was worth my weight in garbage,,
It’s like I fell apart in the worst way. Too many small pieces.. not enough glue.. and every time I tried to pick up a piece to stick to my cardboard foundation…. it just wouldn’t work. The pieces just wouldn’t fit together, the glue just wouldn’t stick. I was unhappy.. and miserable. And I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the possibility of building a masterpiece on such a shitty foundation.
I started to think that maybe God forgot about me
Who could want me? I’ve been broken too many times. Each time in a new way and even more pieces. Each time it took more time for me to put myself back together.. each time I cried more and more.. each time it just felt impossible and more painful. It felt like I holding the same sharp and jagged pieces in between already cut up fingertips.. trying to figure out if this process would be worth it in the end. If I could be worth something in the end…
A lot of people don’t understand that behind all the guard and the aggression.. I’m actually very soft and gentle. I hurt easily.. I laugh loud. I cry silent. I’m human. I talked myself out of many things. The things I deserved, the things I wanted.. All because I felt undeserving. I felt that if I allowed anyone to come close to me, they would see all of the imperfections and wouldn’t want want me anyway…
I’ve never given myself the credit to genuinely just be human. I’ve always held myself to this high standard that I could never and probably will never ever meet. But only because it was me. I wasn’t allowed to fail. I wasn’t allowed to slack. I wasn’t allowed to be mediocre. But with the way my standards were set up, I was destined to fall short every time.
I held the brush to master my own creation
It took time, But I was finally able to find peace in the idea that I am perfectly made, even though I am imperfect. My imperfections make me unique. That add to who I am. I was able to slowly but surely build myself up and out of that hole… I allowed myself healing time, I added positivity to my life and slowly started coming around again.. I started interacting again. I allowed myself to smile and mean it, or cry if I felt the need to. But I also recognized and refused to allow myself to break my “two day rule.”
I had to fall in love with me
And I mean fall in LOVEEE with me. It took work. I had to pray more, meditate, watch what I put in and on my body. I had to treat myself like I loved myself. I had to realize that I am an asset to those in my life. And that I am worth my weight in gold. Was it easy? Hell no. But was it worth it? Yes. I get teary eyed looking back at myself. Seeing how I was slowly destroying and ruining myself. Just because I allowed certain aspects of life to get the best of me.
Take a moment and remind yourself
You are worthy of all of the things that your heart desires. YES!! it may be too late for some things, but it’s never too late to live for you. I know that things may not be ideal for you right now. But I can promise you, if you can learn from every trial and tribulation, it’ll all work for your good. Think about it. You are the only one destined to live your life. YOU are the only one able. All of those burdens hanging from your cross will propel you to your next level, that next phase.. NEVER STOP PUSHING. Just don’t give up. I know that it’s hard. I know that some days, it’s easier to just give up. but I will say this.
You are a masterpiece even if you aren’t finished yet.