In This Moment

These last few weeks have gone by in a blur.. I’ve stressed… I’ve laughed.. I’ve fought to be heard… I’ve cried.. I’ve smiled. I’ve fought to be seen… I’ve cried… I’ve cried… and I’ve cried…. I’ve been watching my life fall a part… piece by piece…. just shattering.. and there hasn’t been much I could do as of late… but cry… I’ve been so sad… Trying to fight my way into keeping peace in my life… or at least the portions I deemed worth it.. and it’s been rough… But I finally came to a startling realization..

As I sit here…

I take in the nature around me.. the brisk air… the birds chirping… the waves in the water… Just taking in the silence… all of this time I searched for a peace that could soothe my spirit.. a Peace I tried to find in prayer.. Instead I found it here.

God led me to the place I take my son… but HE allowed me to go alone. I left my phone in the car… and went for walk….I found this bench and chose so sit here… Watching the cotton candy colored clouds float by…. And to think.. each and every one of these days I’ve been asking God, “Why me? Why do I have to be broke down the way I have been…? Why must I struggle?? Even when I’m doing my best to keep a willing heart that is in pursuit of YOU?” And I’ve cried… and fallen asleep in prayer.. just to wake up THIS morning feeling every ounce of pain I have been feeling these last few weeks…. I’ve felt forgotten, lonley, stressed out, sad, disappointed and broken… I actually at this present moment… feel weak.

This is NOT the ME I have grown to love…. what happened to me?

Let’s Rewind

I have and have had a lot on my plate these last few weeks. And I’ve been struggling to stay afloat in all of this. And it has been SOOOO hard. I keep bottling up my thoughts and feelings because the last thing I would want to do is burden someone else with my tears… It shouldn’t be there job to clean them up… it’s mine. I don’t want to put the woes of my world on anyone else… but at some point you reach your breaking point…. and this. is mine..

Lord knows… it has been the roughest few weeks of my life. I have been trying to make sure that everything I do, not only benefits me… but who I’m with too…. I can’t be selfish.. It’s not in MY nature… I don’t believe in I.. I believe in WE.. if WE can’t flourish and come out great on the other side together.. is it really worth it?

Sitting in God’s presence

Today I was sent the following bible verse “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose” Romans 8:28 KJV and in reality it makes sense…. God knows what HE does in the lives of those that are in constant pursuit of HIM. Even when it may seem like HE doesn’t.. HE will always be one step ahead of me. HE knows my next move before I do. As I sit here.. and take in the fresh air.. it dawns on me.. God’s plan for me may have changed OR HE knew that this current change of events were going to break me down so small…. that I would have to seek HIM eventually…  DO you know what it’s like to break down whenever someone asks you “how you’re doing”? Or To avoid talking to or seeing people because you have no control over how your tears flow?

God sat me down here… So I could take a moment to breathe… So that I could look up to the clouds and understand that I am at HIS mercy…. and as long as I am living my life according to HIS will… I should be fine,…..

Do I feel perfect at this moment or free from all the hurt? I don’t… Not yet… I just know it will take some time…. God’s not done with me yet… I cannot accept defeat…. I know I deserve better than this…

I’ve sat in my car and cried my heart out to Gospel… I just know there has to be a better way

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