Summertime is almost over… and genuinely, I feel that I spent mine in the best way…
I fell in love with myself.
I promised myself, that I wouldn’t enter a relationship for the remainder of the year.. and that I would just dedicate my summer to making sure that my life is completely balanced. Especially before I return to school this fall. I just wanted to be sure that I am completely comfortable with being alone, and completely at peace with myself and my life. I needed to change how I handled stress; what I allowed to ‘bother me’ and shift my focus… from loving others with the expectation of them to love me in return, to actually just loving me and filling myself with the love I deserved.
It’s a major change. You have to get used to the quiet nights, solo weekends and just pouring the positivity you can very easily give to others; into yourself.
Too many people HATE and FEAR being alone… but at some point in your life, you do have to find comfort in your solitude in order to live a healthy, happy and peaceful life. It creates an easier transition once you land that dream job, relationship; the right way. with the right head on your shoulders.. so that you can trust yourself enough to reach your goals.
Future you deserves that.
Like many, I have always been the type of person, to put others before myself. It started way before I was ‘somebody’s mama’. I gave everything I had to offer to make other’s smile and add to their happiness, without noticing that I was draining myself of my peace & happiness. Eventually, it left behind fragments of who I used to be; sad, lonely and stressed. Once that ‘person’ walked away. Starting over from square one every time… Always looking for someone to put me first, respect me, love me and give me value…. that person… was supposed to be me.
You are THE priority
Life makes us forget that WE deserve to be a priority to ourselves.. and not to just those around us. I would always “forget” myself. I never double checked to see if I was happy… or to see if I was mentally, emotionally or spiritually okay..
Always so quick to invest my positive thoughts and feelings into someone else. Making sure they had peace within their storms and somewhere to lay there head once the world became too much for them. But I was not giving myself that same effort, attention and love… Honestly, I kind of forgot myself, in a sense… until it became too much for ME to bare.
I learned the hard way. I cannot feel bad for making myself a priority. I can’t allow others to drain me with their problems and their sorrows without making sure that I am okay first, before I take on the burdens of someone else…. Or even if I have to say “no”.. that I’m doing that for me. And it’s okay.
I always felt guilty if I was asleep if someone else needed me; so I would constantly check my phone throughout the night to make sure I didn’t miss anything. which resulted in a lack of sleep. I felt bad whenever someone was emotionally or mentally dealing with something, so I would exhaust myself trying to check in on them and make sure they’re good.. which left me in one-sided “friendships” and situations. I allowed people to borrow money and take time from me, just because I was trying to help.. and in the end.. I drained myself of finances, time, mental and emotional health and even worse; my faith and physical health was on the line… and no one noticed.
Since then.. I come first. period. If it has nothing to do with my child or my health.. I can’t stress over it. And even then… stress doesn’t help.. It hinders…
Now that I come first…. what’s next?
God knows.. the first time I felt peace this year.. I was sitting at a park near my house, in 35-40 degree weather; crying.. watching the waves glide through the pond, the birds flying, inhaling the cold air and watching the clouds roll by… it hit me; life will continue to keep moving forward; even if you’re just wading in around in a circle, in your own misery.. Life around you is still going…. everyone is still moving.. Nobody is worried about you… Especially if YOU aren’t.
Peace; it comes from within.. You’re the ONLY and I repeat ONLY person that can refill and invest that peace in yourself. You can use your faith, music, hobbies; whatever it takes to motivate yourself to remain as peaceful as possible. I’ve filled myself; to the brim with peace and love.. until it spills over…
And with that overflow of peace, I was able to stress less, organize my goals and plans, change my major without anxiety, and to actually be able to rest my mind, body and soul on a regular basis. I was able to trust myself and not always be so anxious.
Making me comfortable enough to be myself around others, laugh genuinely, and just to do more than just exist. I carry that peace and I don’t give it to other people.. without feeling like there’s a chance that I can lose myself again…
Summer love at it’s finest.
Taking this summer to focus on me; changed my perspective on life. I learned how to live freer, how to make time for the things I want.. and also; how to stay in and just be at peace with that silence. Building myself up to withstand any storm; and to not have a have great need or dependence on other people. I have moments where I love being by myself.. enjoying my own company and feeling comfortable enough with myself not to overthink and stress.. and then of course, I have moments where I do enjoy the company of others.. and I am able to just be free enough to be myself.
I found myself this year.. and enjoyed who I was all summer. Still a little stubborn.. working on my combativeness… but overall.. just aiming to be a better person everyday forward…
Peace, Light & Much Love,