Diary of a Broken Girl

This picture was taken in 12/31/ 2011.

There’s a story behind this photo. That motivates me to do everything and be EVERYTHING that this brand stands for.

I can genuinely admit, that at this time. I was broken. I didn’t have ANY confidence, I was trying to figure out WHO I was, and what mark I could leave on this world. I was trying to see my worth. I didn’t feel that I mattered to anyone. I had been to hell and back a few times by then. And it seemed like every time I got my life back on track, something, somewhere broke me again. I was lonely. I had lost myself over the years, and it had always been easier to hide before I had my son. I was unhappy, I was on the brink of depression and I couldn’t pull myself out of that hole. I had this naive “over the rainbow” mindset.

But it was even harder to look into his little face and hide my sadness.  I had to hide my pain. I knew that I deserved better. My son looked at me, and he would light up. I WAS the MOST important person in HIS universe. How could I NOT feel the same way about me?

It took me some time, and I promised myself and my son that emotionally I would be everything that  I desired. Physically, I would love myself and mentally, I would be the force needed to take the world by storm.

I turned to God, and I prayed EVERY night. Even though I barely ever stepped foot in a church. I had to find a way to release my sorrows and empty my heart. I cried every night in prayer, and would fall asleep pouring out my soul. It was the only way that I felt, “heard”.  I didn’t have anyone to turn to, no one that could pick me up or even hug me during these rough times.

A few months later, I started transitioning to natural, and I also kicked up my weight loss journey. I was overweight, and miserable. I was uncomfortable and my joints just felt that it was carrying too much weight. I looked up one day and I weighed 196. What happened to me?

I hit a wall, and I could either let my life continue to shatter or I could finally say, “I’m done, I have work to do”. It took ME to pick me up and brush me off. I had to take myself seriously.

Undergoing this physical, emotional and mental transformation, helped me develop into the mother, woman and brand that I am and have today. I tried to find a way to empower women and help them build their confidence. I had to find some way to help them out of their depression,  help them find themselves and remind them that they were special. Going through my own natural hair journey, opened my eyes to things that I never noticed before.  With that being said, I found my spot in the world. I created naturalhairjunkies, to empower women, and reminding them that not only were they beautiful but they were human. And that they deserve the same respect as men. And that they were valued. It wasn’t just about hair. But it was my starting point. It was the tip of the iceberg. I chose to help women, that felt the way I did. I wanted to show them the light at the end of the tunnel. That someone, somewhere, was rooting for them. Even if we never meet in real life. Something like a feminist.

These days, It takes a lot for me to “show” myself to people. I am very “serious” in a sense. People complain that I don’t laugh a lot, or that I don’t smile too often. Or that I’m emotionless. And I honestly don’t intend on coming off “robotic”. I am very goofy, I dance around, I laugh until I cry, I smile a lot and I blush uncontrollably. I’ve been broken. And piece by piece I have built MYSELF back up. I didn’t have any friends to lean on. I didn’t have anyone to call. It was just me.  I protect and defend myself, because I understand where I came from and the toll it had on me. And I will NEVER put myself in that situation again.

I am the sweetest person, it just takes time for some to break through to see it. But then again, I’m human. And all humans fear getting heart.

However, I am now more comfortable with the idea of taking risks. I have opened my heart to a few new friendships. And I have decided to bring some of these walls down for good.

This brand, has helped me grow over the last year. I built something that fulfills me, something that helps me help those within my “reach”. It has been an amazing personal journey. And I hope to continue building, growing and expanding.

Just because you’re broken now,  doesn’t mean you can’t fly effortlessly tomorrow. Believe in yourself. I already do.

– Sie