“The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself and shine amongst those who never believed she could.” – Author Unknown
*Reflection of self is a slight mini vent; Just trying to empty out my thoughts and make sure that I have a clear reflection of self* I’ve always been better at expressing my thoughts on pen and paper; than I am just speaking them. Which means the day I get married, my vows will be EPIC.
Reflection of Self
I’ve spent the last few weeks, floating around in my own head. Going through the different parts of myself; just trying to make sure that I am in the correct space for all aspects of my life. Or at least on the right path. Dissecting different areas of my life and putting together plans to complete goals and tasks; all across the board. Becoming besties with my planner (The Real MVP), and have been setting things in motion. But somehow, no matter how busy I am… I find myself wandering off in thought. And I know that it’s about time that I sit down with myself and get down to the nitty gritty and face the me.
Do Less, Be More
“Courage is grace under pressure” – Ernest Hemingway
Just to provide some back story. I’ve been MIA from the blog world and Instagram, and I feel that I should apologize for that first. But then again, I’ve also been MIA from the gym. In reality, as calm and peaceful as I come off, I’m overwhelmed BUT I’m making it, and graciously, I might add. It definitely hasn’t been the easiest road. I personally decided to make a few major changes to my life, that in the long run would benefit not only myself, but my son and future family.
Deciding to be a double major, was rough on my part. Mostly, because I wasn’t sure if I was capable of getting it all done. But this semester, I’ve managed to keep Straight A’s while working full time and being “mommy” full time which includes, his homework, school activities and field trips. The one thing that I’ve realized more than anything, is that I have been neglecting myself during this process. Because I am aware that if I don’t get things done when they are due, I will be setting myself up to fail. And I cannot afford to fail.
I’m more afraid of the unknown than failing…. and I am terrified of failing.
During this process, I’ve realized two things about myself. I am terrified of failing but I am even more afraid of the unknown. I hate walking blindly into situations that I am uncertain of when it comes to the outcome. I like to be factual and in the know; before I make any decisions or choices, I’ve become less fluid in certain aspects of my life and afraid.
I was never this scared of certain things before. Scared to fail, scared to let myself and my family down… Afraid that I may be too flawed for love or just simply not being enough. I noticed this fear during my reflection and I couldn’t believe it. How have I done all of this work to get myself back on track and in love with me… Just to feel that I could possibly fall short or not be good enough.. When I KNOW I should feel pretty damn awesome about myself. Why wouldn’t others see that too?
The part that scares me the most is that I’ve met someone that’s pretty special. He’s encouraged me when I was uncertain. He’s supported my (toughest) choices and of course made sure that I felt capable of actually completing those goals. He accepts my rambling and gives me a judge free space to just be myself. Which has been a big deal within itself. Am I nervous? You damn right!! The possibilities are endless, and I genuinely feel that I’m in a good personal space, loving me, and happy even in solitude. But I’ve realized that he is definitely worth allowing in and modifying life for. And that may be what makes me the most nervous. I’ve never really found someone worthy of me.. or someone that I was worthy of… It all feels different, a positive different. I just have this mentality of wanting to do things the right way. Building the right foundation, making sure that I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to; especially being open and honest. Allowing myself to be myself. As imperfect as that may be.
Breath, stretch, shake and let it go
Literally. I’m just at a point where I think my excitement in regards to my life and future has given me a slight smidge of anxiety. I overthink everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Genuinely, It isn’t being done intentionally. I’m just reflecting over things in my head, and just trying to make sure that I’m always making the right decisions and doing what is overall best for me. I also know that I cannot be afraid of life and its offerings or failure and the unknown. Not everything in life can be planned, especially not love, success or just living period. I miss my go with the flow attitude, I miss being able to make certain decisions on a whim. It seems as though I forgot the fire I had been given when I rose from the fire like a Phoenix and I forgot the power that I possessed within myself to be great.
I’ve been blessed immensely and I am forever grateful
Choosing to take this moment to reflect wasn’t purposely done. Spiritually I’ve realized that I’m carrying way too many emotions in one place and it started to break free, like a dam with a leak. Using this reflection of self, is more so me being honest with me, in hopes that others can be honest with themselves too. It’s me knowing that I overthink. But it’s also taking the time out to remind myself, that I am brilliant, capable and worthy. Writing this gave me a sense of peace and relief; that I am deserving of. Just don’t let life beat you up; find ways to continue keeping a peaceful spirit and moving the way you know you’re supposed to. Don’t stop aiming for better, don’t settle and never stop trying.